“Dear Esha – My child has started a new school for 11th grade, and most of her friends from her previous school are not here. This has made it challenging for her to find new friends. We were happy to see her make two new friends and welcome them into our home. However, we have concerns about one of these girls. We believe she is manipulative and bossy, which worries us about the impact on our daughter’s self-confidence.
Additionally, this girl’s family comes from an affluent background, and my husband is concerned that they spend too much time socializing, drinking, and having parties. Our daughter wants to spend time at her new friend’s house, but we don’t trust her parents due to several red flags we’ve noticed.
My daughter doesn’t understand why we are not allowing her to go to her friend’s house or why we want her to be more assertive with this friend. We don’t want to hurt their friendship, but we are uncomfortable with her spending time there. How do you suggest we approach this conversation without revealing everything?
Thank you. – Worried Mom.”
Dear Concerned parent
Hey there! Let’s chat about this that comes up often—the friends our kids choose. As we grow, we start to understand just how important company is, and sometimes, that can lead to parents feeling uneasy about certain friendships.
Here’s my take: when our kids hit those teenage years, they’re at a point in their lives where they’re really trying to make their own choices. Sure, they might not always get it right, but that’s how they start to explore their independence!
So, why not take a moment to sit down with them? Share your concerns in a calm way and then let it go. Think of it like this: if your partner has a friend, you’re not too keen on, you’d probably just talk to them about it instead of demanding they stop seeing that person. Why? Because you respect that they’re an adult and can make their own choices. So, use that same approach! Have a heartfelt conversation and then give them space to figure it out themselves. Believe me, you might be surprised at how well they respond when you trust them to make their own decisions.
Also, it’s totally normal for kids to encounter a few not-so-great friends along the way. That’s all part of learning life’s lessons, and it’s important for us to be there for them when they face those bumps in the road.
Now, let’s talk about those instincts we all have as parents. If something feels off about your child’s friend’s parents, don’t ignore that feeling! It might feel easier to brush it aside, but it’s really important to get to know them better before allowing your child to hang out at their place. This is all you need to say to your kid: “I want to know your friend’s parents a bit better before we dive into any hangouts at their house.” Your child may not agree with you, and that’s okay! Give them the freedom to see you as protective for their own good.
Encourage them to bring their friend over instead. Getting to know this new friend in your home can help ease any doubts. As you build rapport with their family, your feelings may shift. In the meantime, support your child in exploring activities they love. The more they engage with different groups, the more friendships they will naturally develop.
Remember, it’s all about finding that balance between being there for our kids and letting them navigate their own friendships. You’ve got this!
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